President John F. Kerry

by Samuel Z. Anvil

With the liberal media falling all over themselves pushing the "hate America first" message, it’s time to confront the possibility that John Forbes Kerry will be the next president. What can we expect?
Let’s try to imagine what things will be like on November 4, 2005, a year after the election. President Kerry is having his hair blow dried, anxiously preparing for his 37th news conference, which he wants to devote to clarifying some of the things those damned Republicans claim he said at his 36th news conference last week, while he was trying to clarify his answers to questions at the 35th conference the week before that … you get the idea.
What’s troubling President Kerry? Well, things didn’t work out exactly as he had hoped, and he can’t understand why. He did everything he said he would – the first politician in US history who kept his campaign promises, but the polls are full of bad news.
President Kerry appointed a Michael Moore clone as Secretary of State and a Howard Dean clone as Secretary of Defense. He withdrew US troops from Iraq and Afghanistan, and apologized to the poor oppressed people of these countries for the crimes of George Bush. He sought dialogue with France and Germany and the United Nations, and the UN appointed European-approved governments for those “victim” countries. He carefully avoided fueling Islamic rage and held back judgmental criticism of Iran’s nuclear program.
President Kerry rolled back the Bush tax cuts, forced American companies to keep jobs in the United States, and abolished NAFTA. He packed the Supreme Court wall-to-wall with activist judges who see their role as legislating what Congress is too scared of those fundamentalist religious fruitcakes to do. He did everything the New York Times said he should do.
But after the election, people are still not happy. But why do they blame him? Sure, not everything that happened was 100 percent wonderful, but all those bad things were legacies of George Bush and Donald Rumsfeld. It was so obvious that things like this were going to happen after that cowboy in the White House, who spent four years dividing America from its friends in Europe. There’s a limit even to the miracles the second president with the initials “JFK” can manage, even if he did serve in Vietnam, to undo the damage Halliburton did in its mad race for profits at any cost.
Now even the New York Times is unhappy. Go figure.
It’s just not fair that the polls show people are blaming President John Kerry. Don’t people understand that foreign policy is like ketchup? The good stuff moves very slowly, but eventually everything comes out OK. No use banging on the bottle.
As for Iran, those Bible-thumping evangelists are still whipping up emotions against that poor country, whose people suffered so much under the Shah. Nobody ever proved to anybody’s satisfaction, well to anybody that mattered anyway, that the missile had a nuclear warhead. Was there a UN resolution specifically forbidding Iran from firing missiles at Israel? Those poor Iranians went through a very painful war once, started by a Republican President. And for God’s sake, the missile landed in the ocean, missed Tel Aviv by miles, maybe killed a few fish – let Greenpeace worry about the damned fish. It’s not like any whales were killed.
So what if the International Atomic Agency whatever that certified that Iran is nuclear free -except for a few peaceful reactors - is headed by a guy named Mohammed? Does that mean you can’t take his word for it? We stopped doing profiling when we got rid of John Ashcroft.
And why did those trigger-happy Israelis have to react like that? Guess who they learned that from? Now President John Kerry has to clean up the mess.
The worst is that thanks to George Bush, the Islamic “terrorists” haven’t given up. They haven’t said “OK, we got what we asked for and now we’ll leave you alone.” They’re keeping up this jihad talk and bombing all over the place, burning schools and blowing up buses everywhere from Chechnya to Manila. They used to torch only Jewish schools but now they’re going after the Buddhists too. George Bush fueled so much Islamic rage it will take those poor people years to get over it.
Why doesn’t anybody give President John Kerry the credit he deserves? Who got rid of that stupid cretin in the White House? Could John Dean have done that?
Hell, the way people are complaining non-stop, you’d think that Osama bin Laden was President of the United States.